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kkong1028
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Name: Kevin Kong
Interests: traveling, b&w photography, piano, street musicians, slow dance, minigolf, kayaking, good movies, good books, writing, reading, sleeping in the library, rolling in bed, christmas lights, good dares, nature walks, sunsets, midnight snacks, exotic foods, exotic people, roadtrips
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AIM:  k0ng91
Member Since:
10/12/2005
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| Respice, Adspice, Prospice.Life has taken a different course, and I can feel it.
So much has changed since the last time I tried to collect my thoughts on paper. I survived third quarter. I got into colleges. I am a different person.
In a way, I'm glad my efforts did not go unnoticed. It all paid off in the end, as everyone had said it would. My parents look happier. My teachers seem proud. I've been told I now look as though my shoulders have been relieved of the burdens of the world. Well I must agree, for my days are now peaceful, my dreams are delightful, and my thoughts are truly complacent. I've taken up reading, writing, and taking walks again, all signs of my mental recuperation. I jotted down a few lines I improvised in the rain the other day, and I realized I hadn't done that in a while. Foolishly, I used to think I was a great poet with a knack for words; nowadays I can't bring myself to confront the pen and paper because anything I write now sounds so corny, hackneyed, or awkward to me. I don't know if that's a feeling common to all writers and poets... or have I grown more humble about my work and my capacity?
But I think the fact of the matter has not yet truly settled in my system.
With nine days of school left, I find myself unable to come to terms with reality. I am graduating high school. I am leaving my sheltered, innocent childhood in New York. I am starting a new life with new friends in a new city. I am growing up.
Even last year, whenever I looked ahead, the future seemed so far away. I always felt like I had plenty of time to do this and do that. I had so naively entertained that notion of timelessness and sheltered existence. It never occurred to me how soon I'd be graduating college and perhaps graduate school, entering the real world, marrying and having children of my own, and soon looking back at the entirety of my brief but busy life.
It almost seems like someone hit the "fast forward" button on my life. I'm not afraid of what's to come. I just wish time wouldn't fly as fast.
But maybe this is a good thing. People say time feels faster if you're enjoying life or if you're busy. Since I'm not busy at all these days, perhaps it's the former?
What am I going to do with my life? I still don't fucking know. All I know is that I ruled out some pretty good (aka secure) choices... The standard med track at a science-y school would have paid well. If I'd accepted that offer from Huntsman program at Penn I would've landed an executive business position with a 6-figure starting salary by graduation. FML. Me and my fucking ambition. Oh, and my goddamn morals, too.
And I am such a loser. I realized yesterday. It was probably the last time I would've seen her, and I couldn't even tell her how I felt. I'll probably regret not telling her later on, maybe for a very long time. What a fucking loser. Me and my fucking principles. Oh, and my goddamn pride, too.
I feel like a failure despite getting into my dream school. I guess I measure my happiness by a different standard.
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| A Reflection. A Resolution.I simply don't know where to begin.
Well first and foremost, wow. I cannot believe it's mid-March already. I know I've even said that back in October, but I seriously think life is accelerating. Before I know it, the sun sets on my afternoons; in a blink my nights are warmed to the start of a new day. I feel like even my class periods are getting shorter. My irratic, abnormal sleep cycle and naps are probably to blame. I hate how quickly senior year is coming to a close. I absolutely hate it.
I also realize I haven't written an entry since November. I think it's a fitting reflection of what's happened since and who I've become. In the months between November and now, I have been undergone the most trying, revealing, and pivotal experiences of my life.
It's been tough. Senior year has had its heights of happiness and the depths of despair. The night before the first day of school, I'd written anxiously about the upcoming "fight for my sanity, this struggle against my own limits, this battle against college admissions." And indeed, what a chaotic "war" it's been: I've been pushed to my limits intellectually, spiritually, and physically; I've seen the worst in many people around me; I've never been challenged enough to apply my intellect so completely as I had to in We the People; and for the first time, I actually had to fight for my sanity.
But overall, I believe I've fared relatively very well. I never broke down at the face of my breaking points. I worked harder to meet the challenges of We the People. I swallowed up my doubts, my angst, and my temptations. For this fortitude that has kept me alive, I am thankful.
And so, it comes as no surprise that I've lost my sense of time. I cannot grasp the fact that I have only 3 months of school left. Simply cannot. I think to a certain extent, I've maybe kept myself too busy over the past few months, albeit I needed those distractions to preserve my consciousness.
For the most part, I don't care anymore where I end up going. I rather lament with the utmost gravity the end of my high school years. I know there's a reason why half of the TV shows and all the popular books are focused on high school. Those short but timeless years of insulated innocence, unbreakable idealism, and the romantic aura emitted from the perpetuity of youth.
I know I will not have a problem acclimating to a college and I know college has its own perks. But I do not know if my mind can even accept graduation. I have so enjoyed my years at Hills East. I've met some of the best people here. I've grown from a naive newcomer to an established senior. I'm not ready to leave. I'm not ready to desert my youth.
I've always imagined my senior year modeled after One Tree Hill, Smallville, or somethin like that. A year full of unforgettable moments that evoke incalculable happiness, laid against the backdrop of the most picturesque towns. I know I've missed out on much of that because I've been so busy. But now that We the People is over and I'm getting into colleges, I can finally start to live my real senior year. And in whatever remaining time I have, I'm going to do everything in my power to live out a storybook senior year of my own.
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