| | Life has taken a different course, and I can feel it.
So much has changed since the last time I tried to collect my thoughts on paper. I survived third quarter. I got into colleges. I am a different person.
In a way, I'm glad my efforts did not go unnoticed. It all paid off in the end, as everyone had said it would. My parents look happier. My teachers seem proud. I've been told I now look as though my shoulders have been relieved of the burdens of the world. Well I must agree, for my days are now peaceful, my dreams are delightful, and my thoughts are truly complacent. I've taken up reading, writing, and taking walks again, all signs of my mental recuperation. I jotted down a few lines I improvised in the rain the other day, and I realized I hadn't done that in a while. Foolishly, I used to think I was a great poet with a knack for words; nowadays I can't bring myself to confront the pen and paper because anything I write now sounds so corny, hackneyed, or awkward to me. I don't know if that's a feeling common to all writers and poets... or have I grown more humble about my work and my capacity?
But I think the fact of the matter has not yet truly settled in my system.
With nine days of school left, I find myself unable to come to terms with reality. I am graduating high school. I am leaving my sheltered, innocent childhood in New York. I am starting a new life with new friends in a new city. I am growing up.
Even last year, whenever I looked ahead, the future seemed so far away. I always felt like I had plenty of time to do this and do that. I had so naively entertained that notion of timelessness and sheltered existence. It never occurred to me how soon I'd be graduating college and perhaps graduate school, entering the real world, marrying and having children of my own, and soon looking back at the entirety of my brief but busy life.
It almost seems like someone hit the "fast forward" button on my life. I'm not afraid of what's to come. I just wish time wouldn't fly as fast.
But maybe this is a good thing. People say time feels faster if you're enjoying life or if you're busy. Since I'm not busy at all these days, perhaps it's the former?
What am I going to do with my life? I still don't fucking know. All I know is that I ruled out some pretty good (aka secure) choices... The standard med track at a science-y school would have paid well. If I'd accepted that offer from Huntsman program at Penn I would've landed an executive business position with a 6-figure starting salary by graduation. FML. Me and my fucking ambition. Oh, and my goddamn morals, too.
And I am such a loser. I realized yesterday. It was probably the last time I would've seen her, and I couldn't even tell her how I felt. I'll probably regret not telling her later on, maybe for a very long time. What a fucking loser. Me and my fucking principles. Oh, and my goddamn pride, too.
I feel like a failure despite getting into my dream school. I guess I measure my happiness by a different standard.
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| | Posted 6/1/2009 4:48 AM - 36 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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